Fragile
by Stargazer-Lillies
Summary: Why does my heart beat when his doesn't? Character Death, WARNING:Deals with suicide attempts Ch 3:Jess hung over me like a shadow. Like a memory from a past life, because this was my life now. Playing house with a man I didn’t love. COMPLETE
1. Prologue

**Fragile**

**Prologue**

Sometimes when he was lying in bed at night, he could hear her mumbling in his sleep. Most of the words were unrecognizable, but once in a while he'd decipher his own name. He didn't know what caused the strain in her voice and the terror in her words. She sounded scared. Scared for him.

Sometimes when he'd come home after work he'd find her sitting in the living room in silence, staring into space. He didn't ask her why, but he couldn't figure out why she could be so distant. He supposed it was because of Jess. It didn't always used to be like this. She didn't always cling to him for dear life. She didn't always cry in her sleep. She didn't always do the things she did now. Their conversations tiptoed around the strange events that happened in their household. He knew she would never love him. But he had to take care of her.

She didn't get out of bed today until it was absolutely necessary. It had been a year. She just cried into her pillow, until there weren't anymore tears. Lorelei called to tell her when to come to the service. She wiped her face and put on a dress, made herself pretty. He tripped over a book on the floor. Hemmingway. He placed it back under her pillow where it belonged.

They were going now. Back to the town they had loved so much, and back to the pain which consumed his wife. Dean and Rory were going to visit Jess' Grave.


	2. How can you bleed without blood?

**Fragile**

**Chapter 1: How can you bleed without blood?**

**Rory's POV**

It's hard to breathe. I can't move anymore. How can I go back there? I barely get along as it is. Dean told me everything would be okay. That's not true. My life has been hell.

It's hard to distinguish my nightmares from reality, anymore. Even my mother's witty repartee can't help me. I feel like I'm already dead inside. I feel as if I died with him. My Jess. My wonderful Jess. No matter how gentle and caring Dean is I can't take him, I keep yearning for Jess. When Dean and I kiss it's all wrong. His lips aren't warm and soft and inviting. He's too tall. It's all wrong.

The few nights I dream peacefully, are filled with images of Jess. Fragments of memories, scents that drift in the air, and his voice drifting over my eardrums like music.

When I wake up he's gone. It smells musty and the only sound is the sound of my heart beating. Why does my heart beat? Why does it beat when his doesn't? Why does it beat when I don't want it to?

Today I woke from a dream like that. I was angry. I fell like there is no god. What god would allow me to suffer like this? Let me dream of him so vividly, and wake up to the unfamiliarity of Dean's unwelcoming body?

I read a passage from Hemmingway's A Farewell to Arms. I hate it and hate him.

They say there are stages of denial. I went through them all at once and I still am. But not acceptance. Shouldn't I have accepted by now that he's gone? I could never accept that. How is it that his mother and his uncle grieve less than I do?

He was a part of me, and how can you live with a part of you missing? People can't breathe without lungs, can't live without hearts, and can't be without brains.

Last year when it happened, I felt the same way. I figured, you can't bleed without blood so why not get rid of it? Bleed one last time. Bleed until you won't bleed anymore, until you won't feel anymore, until you're free. But Dean saved me. At least he thought he did. But really he tortured me. He made me endure this pain, this guilt that swept over me. He made me live when I didn't want to anymore. Maybe this time I'll get my way. Once we get to stars Hollow. Once we get to my sweet love's grave.


	3. Drift Away

**Fragile**

**Chapter 2: Drift Away**

**Rory's POV**

I slumped further into my seat as Dean pulled into Stars Hollow. The sinking feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. I stumbled out of the car as Dean lead me inside my mother's house. My mother greeted me with open arms.

"Hello, sweetheart" She said as she clung to me.

"Hi" I said in barely a whisper, as we pulled away. I bit my lip. "When does it start?" I asked.

"In about an hour. Why don't you get ready?" She said sweetly. I nodded and grabbed my bag.

"Hello, Dean." Lorelai said quietly.

I dressed in my old room. Most of my things were no longer in there. There was a dresser and a bare bed, and a couple of boxes in the closet. I walked slowly towards them. I ran my finger nail along the tape to open the box. Huh. There were stuffed animals in this box and at the top was a teddy bear. It was red and a heart on its chest. Jess had given it to her, she remembered. He had been embarrassed at the sappiness factor, but nonetheless she had loved it. Somehow she had forgotten about it, because of the other present he had gotten her.

_Flashback_

_Jess and Rory were sitting on Rory's bed reading. It was Valentines' Day. _

_"Good book?" He asked. He was smirking at her. _

_"Um, Yes. You should know, I mean it's The Great Gatsby." She looked at him inquisitively. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a teddy bear. It was so adorable._

_"Happy Valentine's Day!" He said shyly as he handed her the bear. She lit up._

_"Awww...thanks Jess." She exclaimed. "That's so sweet." He blushed._

_"Oh, and I also got you this." He said. He pulled out of his jacket a book signed by one of her favourite authors._

_"Oh my god..." She said. "Now my present looks crappy!" She laughed. She gave him a package she pulled from under the bed. He opened it curiously. Inside was a stuffed swan._

_"Ahhhhh..." he said, laughing. "Why would you do this?" She smiled him._

_"I'm trying to help you with your phobia of swans." He looked at her nervously._

_"It's not a phobia."_

_"Every time you see one you hide behind me." She smirked._

_"Well if you got attacked by one you'd be scared too." He remarked, staring at the stuffed swan suspiciously._

_"Look, this one won't hurt you. See?" she held the swan in front of him. "I named him Gunther."_

_"Wait, you named **my** swan?" He said accusingly. She pouted._

_"I couldn't resist." She showed him her puppy dog eyes. "Just look at Gunther, he won't hurt you." He took the swan from her hands and pretended it was attacking him._

_"Oh god, ahhh someone call 911." He screamed. "Killer Swan on the loose." She started hitting him playfully and they both rolled of the bed in giggles. She landed on top of him, and he pulled her into a kiss._

_End of Flashback_

I smiled sadly at the memory. I wonder where Gunther was now. I finished dressing and placed the teddy inside my coat. I walked out. Dean and my mother were already dressed.

"Let's go to Luke's, and get some coffee first." She suggested, and I nodded, agreeing. We climbed into the car. That's when I saw it. In the window. A face. Maybe I was just hallucinating. We reached the diner. It was closed, but Luke let us in anyway. He was sitting at a table in silence. He looked like he had been crying. Lorelai, and I helped ourselves to some coffee.

"Hey." Luke smiled sadly, at both of us. "I got some pie left if you want some." He suggested.

"No thanks" I said.

"Thanks anyway." My mom said.

"So, how's work Dean?" He asked.

"Oh, it's good." He paused. "I might get a promotion."

Small talk. This was good. This is what they did. They went around the issue. Nobody wanted to talk about it. The thing is though, Jess hated small talk. She could just hear him.

_"Cut the crap, and stop avoiding the issue at hand"_

Yep, Jess' voice of reasoning. Okay, so it wasn't reasonable all the time. Sometimes though, you need to be blunt. I tuned out the voices around me and drifted back to a time when everything was wonderful. I could smell the food, hear the cheery voices, and hear Jess' footsteps coming down the stairs.

_"Luke, I'm taking a break!" _He would say.

_"But you already had one" _Luke would reply, but he'd already be gone. He'd be off to the bridge. We would meet there, and talk. Just talk. Enjoy each other's presence. That was heaven. But suddenly, my heaven was interrupted.

"Rory! Rory, honey, are you okay?" It was my mother's coaxing voice.

"I'm fine" I mumbled.

"She does that sometimes." Dean commented. "Just stares into space." Lorelai sighed, and for awhile there was silence. I knew what everyone was thinking about. The day I first tried to do it. The day I slit my wrists.


	4. My Shadow

Author's note: Thanks to **smile1 **and **CaliforniaDreamer **for reading my story and reviewing. I would really like for people to review if they read. I need feedback. Also, I made sure that anonymous reviews are accepted. (Thanks for the tip **smile1**!) Anyways, if it's a question of people just not reading, then I'm sad. Pretty much the whole story is Rory's point of view, so I won't put it down. I may have other points of view later on, but I'll let you know.

**Fragile **

**Chapter 3: My Shadow**

It's so easy. I thought it would be difficult. I thought that for someone to do something like this to themselves, they must be a little messed up, and doing it would be so hard. It wasn't it. I actually felt relief. It hurt. Sure, it hurt. I felt a little dizzy after awhile, but I didn't care. It was this kind of apathy that made it so easy. I finally understood.

It was the day I found out. The day my mother told me the news.

_Flashback_

_The telephone rang._

"_Hello?"_

"_Rory, honey? It's your mother." The woman sniffled._

"_Oh, hi mom." The girl replied. "Wait. What's wrong, mom? Have you been crying?"_

"_Ya…" the woman paused. "I have to tell you something."_

"_Oh, no. It's dad, isn't it?" The girl asked worrily._

"_No, your dad's fine." She replied shakily._

"_Not Luke?" She asked._

"_Honey, there was an accident." The woman began. "A truck collided with a car. The driver of the truck was drinking. He ran the car of the road and into a ditch. The car was pretty destroyed."_

"_Enough about the car! Who was in it?" The girl cried out._

"_Oh Rory…" The woman answered. "Jess. It was Jess." _

_The other line was silent._

"_Honey?"_

"_He's dead, isn't he?"_

"_Oh…"_

"_Tell me he's alive, mommy!" The girl wailed._

"_I can't sweetheart. I can't."_

_The woman heard a clunk as the girl dropped the phone and fell against the wall sliding on the floor. She curled up, and started to cry. Small tears first, but it became louder. She got up and started to kick the wall._

"_Noooooooo" The girl cried._

_On the phone, a woman was crying as well._

_The doorbell rang._

"_Jess?" The girl questioned hopelessly, and opened the door._

_A man was standing there, but not Jess._

"_Rory, oh my god, what's wrong?" He questioned as she started to hit him._

"_You're not him!" She cried._

"_Rory!" He yelled as he tried to pull her away. He started at the hole in the wall where the girl had been kicking. She stopped hitting and she looked up at him desperately. _

"_Jess died, Dean." She gulped out. "He's dead." She resumed her position sitting against the wall._

_End of Flashback_

That was a day I'd prefer to forget. Though I never can. Every time, I sleep I dream of it. Every time, I wake up I'm reminded of it. Every time Dean kisses me, I see it. I told Dean to go home after a couple hours. I said I needed to sleep and that I'd be just fine. I lied. If he'd really known me, he would have known.

I grabbed a knife from the sink, and went into the bathroom. I sat in the tub and ran the water over me. I shut the tap off.

I looked at my reflection in the knife. Who was I anymore? It was my fault he died. I drove him away. He had looked into those eyes of mine and told me he loved me for the millionth time, but I had argued with him about what? Some girl he was talking to. God, I wasn't the jealous type. I mean I wasn't Dean. Not that Dean was as jealous as that. I mean, he was right to be jealous. I fell in love with Jess, the first time I saw him, I had just convinced myself it wasn't true.

I felt the knife slice through my skin. It stung as the water dripped into it. I cut the other arm open. The blood dripped down my arms and into the tub. I lay my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

How can you decide to kill yourself so quickly? I don't know. I would say it was the heat of the moment. That my emotions took me over. That the grief took me over. But that wouldn't be true because I still wanted to kill myself after that. Months after that.

Hell, I even want to kill myself now. But it's the people who claim they love me, who want me to live. They want me to stay here, married to Dean.

No one talks to me about books anymore. No one talks to me about music anymore. My mother mentions music now and then, but not in the same analytic in-depth way Jess and I did. The feeling I had when Jess kissed me, or touched me. It's gone forever, because no matter how hard Dean tries, he'll never be Jess.

Jess smelled like a mixture of smoke, and citrus. I don't know where the citrus came from. Maybe it was the soap he used, or his shampoo, or gel. Nonetheless, that's what he smelled like. And I miss smelling that when I wake up in the morning. I guess that's why I started eating so many oranges. Sometimes I deliberately go near a crowd of smokers on there break just so my clothes will smell like smoke and citrus.

Oh, believe me, I know I'm crazy. I don't need a shrink to tell me that. He doesn't have to explain to me why I watch "Almost Famous" in an excessive amount or why "Guns of Brixton" has become my favourite song. Or even why I can't eat ice cream without a cone. It's obvious. It should be obvious to everyone else too. Unfortunately, Dean's oblivious and my mother lives too far away to notice anything.

When they found me, I was barely conscious. My mother's face was blurry and Dean's figure was scary and dark to me. I heard faint voices. It was my mother crying out, and screaming for dean to call 911. By the time an ambulance came I was in the hospital. They kept me for a long time. Apparently, anyone who tries to commit suicide has to be watched for awhile so they don't do it again. Eventually I was released into my mother's care. She took care of me for about two months. Until Dean asked me to marry him. I thought he was an asshole at the time. But I hated everything then. I know realize he was only trying to help. He really did love me. God knows I couldn't love him. Jess hung over me like a shadow. Like a memory from a past life, because this was my life now. Playing house with a man I didn't love.

"Ok, let's go." Luke said. We were in the diner still.

"Ok" Lorelei agreed. "Are you ready?"

"Um one second" I said. "I need to use the washroom."

"Oh ok." Luke said. "Uh, Dean, Lorelei, you go ahead. I'll wait for Rory while she uses the bathroom upstairs.

"I'll be a second" I said as I walked up the stairs. I opened the door and went straight towards the storage closet. There it was, a box buried under clothes. _Jess. _It said in messy letters. I opened the box. There it was. The stuffed swan. Gunther.

I pulled him out and carried him downstairs.

_You named **my** swan? _


	5. Stairway

**Disclaimer: **You know what? Even though this is the first time I put a disclaimer you can pretty much guess I don't own Gilmore girls, because if I did, I wouldn't have had Rory and Dean sleep together. Oh and I also don't own the poem "Something to have wept" by G.K. Chesterton. There is an excerpt in this chapter. And **SURPRISE! SURPRISE! ** I also don't own "Wonderwall" by Oasis.

**Author's note:** This is a shorter chapter. I seem to be suffering from a bit of writer's block and this is all I could squeeze out. I do have a plan though!

**Fragile**

**Chapter 4: Stairway**

I wonder what his last thoughts were. Were they about me? When he was sitting there in his car going down the highway and that truck was about to hit him, did he hate me? Did he regret ever knowing me? Did he regret telling me he loved me?

It's cold outside, and I wonder if he's cold down there. I realize he's not actually down there. It's just a body, but sometimes I think silly things. It reminds me of the day he came back to Stars Hollow to get his car. He had been sleeping in it, and I thought he was gonna freeze to death.

I clutch the swan tightly as the priest says something about how it's been a year since he left us. They ask me if I want to say something. I nod.

"Lo blessed are our ears for they have heard, Yea, blessed are our eyes for they have seen, let the thunder break on human beast and bird, and lightning. It is something to have been." I paused and knelt in front of the gravestone. "Boy, that G.K. Chesterton guy really knows what he's talking about." I say and place Gunther in front of it. "He can't hurt you now, I guess." A tear slips down my cheek. "Give me a minute, will you?" I ask the others.

"Of course." Lorelei says. They walk away.

"I love you, Jess." I whisper. Tears stream down my cheeks. "Soon, I'll be there with you." I get up and wipe the dirt of my knees.

I decided I was gonna do it tonight. I was going to finish it for once and for all. No one would stop me. They thought I was over it by now, but that wasn't true.

We walked back to the diner. The sunlight streaming through the windows. Everyone e who knew Jess was there. They looked on me with pity. I didn't like that. They might as well have laughed at me.

That was when I smelled it. The mixture of smoke and citrus. It flew by me.

It lingered in the air a bit, but shot threw the room. People sniffed and I know they smelled it. I closed my eyes and took it in. Jess. I thought I'd never smell that again.

I didn't care if it was just in my mind, because it calmed me.

My mom came to sit with me.

"How are you doing?" She asked.

"Good." I lied."

"Ok, would you like anything to eat?" Lorelai asked.

"No, thanks." I said. My mother sighed and walked away. I got up from my sitting place and started to leave.

"Mom?" I questioned. "I'll be back at the house ok?"

"Ok." She said sadly. "I'll tell Dean."

I trudged through the snow. I wrapped my coat tighter around me, and willed myself to go there. To the bridge. I walked through the patch of woods. There it was. Silent. Still. There was ice covering the water and ice had frozen over the bridge which made it a real health hazard. But she still carefully walked to the middle of the bridge, at down and hung her feet over the water. I thought about how nobody actually liked him. They were sorry he died, but they could never forgive him for hurting me. What they didn't know, was that I had hurt him more. As I sat there I could hear the distant remnants of a song. A song I had heard once. It reminded me of the way I felt.

_Today is gonna be the day  
that they're gonna throw it back to you  
by now you should've somehow  
Realized what you gotta do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do about you now_

_And all the roads we have to walk along are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
I don't know how  
  
Because maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me?  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall   
  
Today was gonna be the day  
But they'll never throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you're not to do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do  
About you now_

Its funny how music can describe exactly how you feel. How the feel and sound of a song can reflect your mood. Nobody understood why I felt so guilty. Nobody ever would. I lifted myself to my feet and headed towards my childhood home. Yep today was the day. The day I would escape.


	6. A Stranger

**Disclaimer:** No own Gilmore Girls do I. I also do not own Coldplay's "Parachutes", or Rebel without a Cause. ooh or just in case Kansas' "Dust in the wind"

**Author's note**: I can't believe it's been a year… It's finished! Enjoy!

**Fragile**

**Chapter 5: A Stranger**

If it's even possible, after his memorial service, things were more awkward. The painful attempts at small talk had turned into in depth discussions about the weather and climate change. We went back to the house, and had some tea. Mom complained that the furnace was broken and Luke went to go check it. I couldn't help noticing Bert's permanent place on the table near the door. It brought me back. Brought me places I didn't want to go. Places before I knew Jess.

My mother, responding to Luke's yelling had followed him to the furnace room to help and I was left alone with my 'husband' Dean. I suddenly noticed how tired he looked. He had aged, drastically. The once vibrant youth looked ravaged by time and stress. I had never noticed it before.

Mom and Luke went down to buy tools or something and Dean, foolishly trusting, stepped out on the porch for some fresh air.

I opened a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a knife. So this is it. The end. I had no concerns, no doubts. I climbed in the bathtub, and turned on the water. My clothes were soaked. I lifted the blade to my wrist.

That's when I saw my reflection. The girl that looked up at me was not Rory Gilmore. I had become a stranger to myself. I was pale and sickly. My eyes had dark circles around them, my lips were chapped and almost bleeding… I dropped the knife. It clanged on the tile floor as I lay back soaking in the water. I waited, but no tears came. I had cried too long and too much and I was tired of it. I was tired of feeling this way! I was tired of waking up in the morning and never getting out of bed. I was tired of feeling so alone. I picked up the knife and that's when my elbow hit the Spongebob shower radio Lorelai insisted buying two years ago, making it hit the floor. The music flowed out:

"_In a haze, a stormy haze, I'll be round  
I'll be loving you always, always.  
Here I am and I'll take my time  
Here I am and I'll wait in line always  
Always."_

It was the unmistakable sound of Coldplay's 'Parachutes'.

'_How can you be sick of studying? You haven't done any studying. You've done card tricks, you've made coffee, you've tried to explain to me how on earth Coldplay could be considered an alternative band, but as of yet, no studying."_

My own voice echoed in my head. I climbed out of the tub and replaced the knife in the drawer. Dripping from head to toe, I went to my room and changed my clothes.

When she came home, my mother insisted I get some rest, and lie down in my old room. I lay down, but I could hear the television playing _Rebel without a Cause_ in the other room.

"_But I am involved! We're all involved, Mom! A boy was killed! I don't see how we can get out of that by pretending it didn't happen_!" Jim Stark's voice blared from the television set.

Its funny how one thing said in a totally different context can define a situation. Involved. Am I involved? I've always been involved. From the minute Jess asked me if I wanted to climb out of my window and skip Sookie's dinner to the day I got that phone call. My own mortality stood in my face. We all die. It hadn't quite hit me before this. The reality of what I was doing.

James Dean died at the age of 24. If I that blade had killed me now, he would still have lived 2 years more than me. Yet he died so young.

I didn't know what happened today, but I did know I wasn't going to kill myself. The best thing would be to get away, by myself, get on vacation. I didn't know if my shrink would let me, but I had to try. I was gonna be okay.

_Flashback_

_Jess and Rory sat on their bridge._

"_What do you want to do with your life, Jess?" Rory asked, curiously._

"_I don't know." Jess said fiddling with a loose thread on his jacket._

"_Obviously" Rory remarked. "Why aren't you trying in school, Jess? You know you're smart, you can do anything, be anyone." Jess looked in Rory's eyes._

"_You know that song by Kansas?" He paused "Dust in the wind?"_

"_Yeah. It's depressing" Rory said. "We're all so insignificant. That's why I want to do something. Leave a mark."_

"_And that's great." Jess enthused. "But there's something romantic about that dust."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah." Jess stared out across the water. "We all live on, blowing in the wind. Our mark's left in the grass and the trees and the water."_

"_That's nice" Rory said quietly, smiling. "There's something about you Jess."_

"_What's that?" He asked, pulling in for a kiss. Once they broke Rory answered._

"_It's a timeless quality."_

**A/N: Thank-you so much everyone for reviewing and waiting so long for the end of this story... I hope you enjoyed it.**_  
_


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